This second week of my 28 Days Walking the Path of the Goddess daily devotional challenge has definitely seen some ups and downs. The week started out pretty rough but ended pretty good. I would say that this week forced me to really take a hard look at what I have been to myself during my recovery from my break up.
Let’s start with the good things this week. I enjoyed a quiet week with not as much busy stuff going on. I had a nice visit with my parents on Friday. I was able to go to my friend’s wedding. It was a lovely event at her parents place. She looked amazing and her new husband was weepy when he saw her. I had a wonderful visit with some of my oldest friends.
However, the whole event was somewhat shadowed because I was supposed to have been there with my ex. I ended up with an empty chair next to me at the table. I know that it was actually for a friend of ours who didn’t end up making it out to the wedding but it ended being a symbol for that part of my life where I utterly failed. I couldn’t help but look at it and be a little sad. My ex and I had been planning a trip to follow this wedding out to Alberta. It kind of dug at me as I drove back home after the wedding.
I originally wrote a post before this which I have titled “Dirty Laundry”. It’s a list of all the bad things that happened in my previous relationship. I am not going to post it but it was an interesting thing for me to look back at and read. It’s easy to find all the flaws in your relationship but it’s much harder to see the good things.
For the last six weeks, I had started to think that my previous relationship was a waste of my time. I am starting to come the other side of that. It wasn’t a waste of time, it was actually a good time for me. I had some of the best experiences while in that relationship. While the ending kind of sucked, the majority of it was pretty good.
Here’s my “Clean Laundry” list of what was good about my last relationship:
I had a partner who made me laugh, challenged my ideas of thinking, taught me new games, introduced me to great friends, and shared their loving family with me. He was fun to go hiking with. He was awesome with my dog. He was an amazing cook. He was hardworking and passionate about his store. He got along with my family and friends. He was dependable when there was an emergency.
What I have to remember is that I am only responsible for how I feel. No one else can feel what I feel, nor can they control what I am feeling. So when I feel hurt, anger, love, or happiness, it’s all on me to process those feelings. This past week, my path with the Goddess has been a challenge to keep my heart open and allow myself room to breathe, relax, feel, witness, and allow. I have unloaded all my by present thoughts and emotions on her while in my devotionals. It’s helping me process the waves that life has been delivering me.
One of my favorite musicians took his own life this week. It was yet another swift reminder of the crippling effects depression has on the world. There is great sadness happening everywhere right now. People are not able to see a way of out it and thus think it’s just time to end their lives.
Suicide does not end the pain, it just gives it to someone else. These words echo through my mind when I think of my friends and family when they are getting to the lowest points in their lives. It echoes in my mind when I think of my own moments of depression. They come and go much like moments of joy and happiness.
I spent some time talking with my family about our history of depression and how we deal with it. We are no strangers to the effects of depression and suicide, we have lost too many members of our family to it. Knowing that, I keep myself aware of my states of happiness. I have to be aware that there is the potential in my emotional state of being to fall in the same hole that my ancestors fell into. I think that my meditation practice has helped me process mental stress ever since I was in high school. That’s when I started following the ways of the Goddess and God.
This week, the two days that I didn’t do my daily devotionals were the hardest on me for my feelings of depression. I was too busy to actually take the time to do the devotionals. That’s the excuse I told myself but I actually could have made the time to meditate or journal. I ended up sleeping instead of doing those tasks. For me, oversleeping is a clear sign that something is wrong. Since I am about to go into week three, I have a chance to reset again. I am really glad that I decided to do this 28 day practice. It’s given me a lot to think about and reflect on.