My daily devotional practices have been great for making me feel at peace when I am already having a good day but yesterday, I did not have a good day.
I went out to enjoy the season premiere of Game of Thrones with my two coven mates and my ex showed up. Earlier in the week, I had contacted him to ask if he had planned on being there. I wanted to know so that I could prepare myself to see him again. The last thing I wanted, was to feel angry or upset while trying to enjoy my show. I hadn’t actually expected him to show up though.
The moment I saw him, the bottom fell right out of my stomach. All my feelings of anger towards him came flaring back up and I had to take a few calming breaths to try and relax but it didn’t work. I decided to just let them sit and try not to act on them. He ended up sitting with us and for a little while it felt like old times but I knew that something was different between us, I felt cold and chilled the whole time he was sitting with us. There was a distance between us and I don’t know if we will ever be able to be the friends we once were.
I believe in being more mindful of your actions so that you can recognise when you are starting to repeat behaviours that are less then helpful. For me, my challenge is letting go of those feelings of anger when I see him and the hurt that they cause me so that I don’t lash out. When he says things like, “You seem happier, I am happier now too,” I can’t help feel hurt by that and fire back, “I am happier.” And then I know, I have lashed out in anger and it’s a downwards spiral from there of just hurtful words coming out of my mouth. I can’t help it though, it makes me feel better when they are out there in the open rather then holding them in.
I am happier though. I am happier because he’s not controlling my life anymore. I don’t feel guilty when I want to go do things that I enjoy. I don’t plan my days around what someone else wants to do. I do what I want, when I want, and how I want to do it. If I am at a party, I stay as long as I feel like. If there’s a yoga class I want to take, I go to it.
Does this mean that I am not a little sad? I only get sad when I think about all the time I wasted on us. We wasted time in figuring out that we wanted different things from life and I can’t get that time back.
I am 34 years old and I want to start a family someday. I want to go back to school and become a teacher. I have learned that I am by far better off without him in my life and much happier. I can focus on my yoga, my Priestess path, my friends, my family, and my dog. I can be there for my coven mates as they plan their wedding. I can hold space for friends dealing with grief and loss.
When I got home last night, I dedicated my devotional practice to working through the emotions of anger and hurt but letting the Goddess carry me. My yoga practice was focused on moving that energy through the body and letting me work through it. I did some heart opening poses and spent a good deal of time in supported fish, which keeps your heart wide open.
I switched up the order of my devotional practice to yoga, then journal, then card reading, then mantra, and then, instead of quiet time with the Goddess, I unloaded all that I was feeling to her. All of my angry, hurt, and frustration. I asked my matron Goddesses, Diana, Yemaya, and Skadi for their guidance, wisdom, and strength. I also did a meditation where I put all of my good and bad experiences with my ex into a box and put it in my heart altar (a construct in my mind that I created in my yoga teacher training).
I felt more peaceful once I headed to bed and hugged my dog for comfort. He’s the brightest blessing in my life and always there for me emotionally. I can count on him to be there when I need cuddles. If anything were to happen to him, I don’t know what I would do.